Decision to remain childless.
As many of you know, DH and I have decided to remain childless. I had a big hand in raising my brothers and really have no desire to be a mother after all the crap we've gone through with them.
HOWEVER, I worry constantly that something is going to happen to DH and then I will be alone. I can't even begin to describe how awful that would be. Last night, I actually began to rethink my decision. DH told me a long time ago that if I really, really wanted to have a child, he would be okay with that and that ultimately, it was my decision. Is that a bad reason to have a child?
I know it's Friday and this is a little heavy, but I was in tears last night over something happening to DH and not having a piece of him left behind. Hell, I'm in tears right now!
posted by thndrkttn @ 9:55 AM
27 comments
27 Comments:
*hugs*
Sweetie, I understand your feelings. DH and I will never have children unless I go in and have my tubes untied. The thought of something happening to him .... I don't even want to think about it. But. And that's a big but (not a big butt), that is not a reason to have a child unless you truly want to raise a child.
Besides, Thea is part of you both.
See that's the thing. I can't say that I totally undeniabley WANT to raise a child. It's more along the lines of I wouldn't mind raising a child.
*sigh*
You're probably right. Bad idea.
*hugs*
I agree with what Momma said. The decision to have kids should be because of your want for children and not because of your fear of not having a part of DH.
The odds of something happening to him are slim to none for many many many years. And even if something did happen, you will always have a part of him in your heart.
*wipes Jennifer's tears*
And in response to your response, that isn't a reason to have children. Who knows, maybe you will change your mind and WANT them in a couple of years. But I wouldn't make a plan to have them until you really want them. *smooch*
I just don't have that biological clock ticking thingy. Our best man's wife just gave birth and I feel like an aunt to that child. You would think that looking at all the baby photos, etc. would make me want one even a little bit but the thought doesn't even cross my mind.
My friends have told me that it would be a 'travesty' if I didn't have at least one child because I would be a great mom and I agree that I would be a good mom. But again, there's just no real desire. I am definitely convincing myseld that it's a bad idea...
Michelle and I get the same pressure. That we would make great parents. I tell people that the fact that I don't want children already makes me a bad parent. We have had people go so far as to explain exactly how we should go about having kids and stuff and it bugs me. I don't like being pressured into things that are so serious. You should only have children if it is something that YOU desire.
You have mail, sweetheart. *smooch*
So do you!
Okay, here's another perspective for you, though I must say I also agree with Momma.
One thing you should consider is regrets. You don't want to be past the point of being able to have children, and look back (even if DH is perfectly fine and with you) and wonder "what if..". Of course, this is not a *reason* to have children, but at the same time, not many people ever think back on their life and say "I regret having my child". KWIM?
It's a deeply personal decision. When DH had a vesectomy a few years ago, I was 100% sure I was done. I am happy with my kids, but every now and then I get a panicky feeling that the choice is gone. So, my point is, try to be sure about your choices before they are gone.
What mm said.
Not having kids is a decision you can't undo.
So think about it long and hard. Think about how you would feel if you had one week to decide yes or no.
Then once you've got it all sorted out in your mind with all that hrad thinking and soul searching, figure it for me too, willya?
Thanks!
It's a funny thing. One of my ex's e-mailed me today out of the blue. When I told him that we bought a house and got Miss Althea, the first thing he asked was, "No kids yet?" When I explained why not, he replied that he was disappointed that I was not going to have children.
Kind of ironic, huh.
blue, I don't want my marriage to change. I mean I realize the marriage will evolve over time, but I *like* the way we are now. I really like it. *sigh*
That is part of why we decided against children too. Because we love our lifestyle and everything about it. And we enjoy our relationship with each other for the most part. I'm more interested in picking up and going to Vegas when I want than i am packing the minivan and going to soccer practice. It's much more fun as an Auntie to get to pick and choose when we go to the kid's functions.
TK honey, if you only listen to me once in your life, listen to me now. Not only am I going to suggest moving past this fear before you even consider having a baby, I am going to tell you to listen to mother nature.
If and when the urge comes, it will be so loud and compelling that your entire soul and being will yearn. You won't miss the signal, trust me!
Until then enjoy that cute husband and pooch of yours.
Not to dismiss anyone else, but I have always found that following Monsty's advice has always always always led me in the right direction. Monsty is most wise and I always value her opinion. What she just said makes a lot of sense.
*smooch*
I haven't got much to add, except good for you for taking the time to think things out and decide what you really want to do. You haven't let anyone tell you how to live *your* life. That's a good plan.
I'd also just like to say how much it ticks me off that people think they can convince you to have kids. DH and I were married for 4 years before we started and we were forever being asked when we were going to start having a family. Then, after DD was born, they started asking about when we were going to have another. I was always torn between raging and doing whatever I bloody well pleased without offering anyone an explanation. Well, OK, I never did rage, but I wanted to. That's none of anyone's business. None. None of their business if you're going to get married, or move in together or have babies or any of it. Shut. up.
Um. Sorry. Apparently, I still have issues.
I have a FWIW comment -
My older DD was a surprise. She was the best mistake I ever made.
*hugs T-Kitty*
My decision was kind of made for me as you know. I don't know if I would have ever made the decision to have a child on my own. I don't for a minute regret having my son (remember him? *grin*) but I can't say that I would have ever been a Mom if it hadn't been decided for me, so to speak. I think I would be okay with that too.
We didn't have another child by choice. I've had moments where I question that decision but as Monsty said, when it's the absolute right thing for you, you'll know.
Meanwhile, Thea and Holly reap the rewards.
Love ya T-Kit.
*BIG HUGS*
It's a huge decision to make T-kitty but I believe not one that should be based on fear. If it's the right thing for you, you'll know it.
Hi T-Kit! IT is such a personal decision. Probably one that will need to be revisted again and again. What works for one person does not for another.
You could list all the advantages and disadvantages of children or no but really you just have to listen to your heart.
You are very lucky that you and DH are on the same page, make sure you keep talking to each other.
I hear ya, babe!
Nolay & I went into our marriage assuming we'd have children before I turned 30. We both wanted children at the time...as long as we were thinking "in the distant future."
I turn 29 this year & we've both decided children aren't anywhere in our immediate future. It just kind of evolved that we are both too selfish & neither of us get that yearning when we are around kids. We haven't ruled it out, we just know that right now isn't the time. Especially since we just went through a rough year in our relationship. We need some time to work on US before we throw kids into the mix.
Anyway, I've worried about the moments we'll miss out on by not having children and the bond that grows from it. And as silly as it sounds, when we get old, it will be lonely without having our kids come to visit.
We are following the Monsty Rule though...unless we feel that urge, for the right reasons (because we want to love and raise a child), we'll remain DINKs.
I wanted to thank all of you for weighing in on this. I truly appreciate your insights and advice.
There is NO parental urge right now. *sigh* I will just have to wrap DH in bubble wrap to keep him safe and sound.
That will help you to not get pregnant too. *grin*
HEY! What's wrong with your back? Did you injure the muscles? I did that over x-mas and was in excruciating pain. Didn't sleep for the first two nights after I did it. I guess they call it a back spasm. *shrug*
Heating pad and motrin kept me sane. I hope you feel better. Back pain has got to be one of the worst ailments ever.
I've been living off Motrin800, heating pads, heated bean pillows, Doans' back wraps, BenGay like stuff. I have no idea what it is but I can't lay down at all. I spent last night since 3:00am sitting upright in a chair downstairs while Michelle slept blissfully.
If it makes you feel any better, it does get better. There are some exercises that a physical therapist showed me to help the pain, but I don't know how to describe them to you. *gentlehugs*
*smooch* Thank you.
You should get another dog. *grin*
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