Gaslighting is real...

...and I am TIRED of it. You throwing tantrum after tantrum--for 17 years over stupid shit does not make it my fault when I get tired of it. And then you blaming me saying it's *my* fault for *you* reacting that way in a certain situation? You threw a fit about where we were seated for brunch on our vacation. You stomped in there saying "If I don't get breakfast, I am going to be pissed." When I try to rectify the situation every way I can, you tell me it's all my fault. This is after you sat on the couch drinking coffee for a 1/2 hour past when we said we were leaving for brunch. Are you kidding me? Not today, Prick. Not today.

Being physically beaten and mentally abused by your parents as a kid/teenager will fuck you up for life. I am closing in on 44 and it still wrecks havoc on my life, marriage, job, everything. And those two motherfuckers have conveniently forgotten 95% of what happened.

If I have to end up alone, with just my pets and whatever fantastic car I get to drive, it will be better than being surrounded by hateful, vindictive, abusive people.

Ship of Fools

I really need to right my ship. I have let some things get completely out of control and I am moments away from losing my grip on what I have convinced myself was 'okay'. I am 41. I have lived the better half of my life. If I don't get my act together soon, there clearly will not be another 41 years left. I'll be lucky if I make it 50. These should be the best years. There isn't the scratching and clawing that there was in my 20's or early 30's. We are doing incredibly well. Like retire at 50 well. I just need to get my act together or everything is going to fall apart and fast. Robert Plant's lyrics... On waves of love my heart is breaking And stranger still my self-control I can't rely on anymore. New tide, surprise my world is changing. Within this frame an ocean swells Behind the smile I know it well. Beneath a lover's moon I'm waiting I am the pilot of the storm Adrift in pleasure I may drown. I built this ship; it is my making And further more my self-control I can't rely on anymore. I know why I know why Crazy on a ship of fools Crazy on a ship of fools Turn this boat around, Back to my loving ground Oh no, oh no Who claims that no man is an island? While I land up in jeopardy More distant from you by degrees I walk this shore in isolation And at my feet eternity Draws ever-sweeter plans for me I know why I know why Crazy on a ship of fools Crazy on a ship of fools Turn this boat around, Back to my loving ground Oh no, oh no ship of fools Turn this boat around, Back to my loving ground Oh no. Crazy on a ship of fools Oh, crazy on a ship of fools Turn this boat around, Back to my loving ground Oh no, oh no ship of fools

Riding was fantastic!

I went riding last Wednesday and it was one of the best experiences I have ever had in a lesson. I've been riding since I was about 15 and actually rode in college. I had just started jumping when I had to stop because of money. Riding is expensive!

So it was a semi-private hour lesson with three other ladies. One of them is a close friend who was a hunter/jumper in her younger years and is just getting back into riding. The instructor was great working with us on fine tuning hand positions, keeping the horse on the rail and not letting them cheat. (My horse cheated every chance he could. To his credit, he had been ridden all day and just wanted to go back to the barn and eat.) There was a great deal of leg work using just your leg pressure to give them signals. I drive a stick shift car and I was in so much pain on Friday that I had to pick my left leg up with my hand to put it on the clutch! I am still not right today but you know what? After my accident and being afraid for so long, I was and am thrilled to be back in the saddle. I absolutely love it! If things continue to go this well, DH and I have already talked and I will be leasing a horse next spring. Ah, another great thing about NC. I can ride all year long. :)

"Update" or "Because weltek told me to..."

Ahhhh, let’s see. It’s been over a year since I updated. About two since I stopped updating regularly.

Where does one even begin after a year?

Um, I guess I’ll just give you random thoughts.

I’m glad Jordan won. Seeing the photo of her and ED next to each other was odd. Someone cut that stringy mess off of Natalie’s head. Gak.

I hate this office more than the last one. *sigh* Everyone here is so concerned with what others are doing that nothing gets done. The level of hypocrisy is staggering. Almost makes me miss the days of TEE. Almost. Plus, the time wasted trying to calm the shit-stirrers is endless. This is how this office handles a small complaint from a shit-stirrer. The current policy is Plan A. Then we have a complaint by shit stirrer. Flurry of emails go around, angry phone calls. Plan B is issued by management. Flurry of emails, shouting in the hallways, more angry phone calls. Plan C is issued by management. Now everyone is involved. Tons of emails, everyone whispering in groups, blame is everywhere. Management then comes up with a brilliant solution which is... wait for it...Plan A. *sigh*

I am trying to cook dinner at least 2 nights a week. It makes my husband very happy to have a meal ready when he gets home. He’s not real thrilled with his job either. He’s being micromanaged to death by a disorganized idiot. I figured the OT cooking club would help me come up with ideas. If you haven’t tried that blueberry muffin recipe that I posted, you should. They are some damn fine muffins. *waves to weltek and MC*

My DH’s grandfather passed away last October. He was 82 and a neat guy. He left us his power boat which we dragged down from NY. Boating in NC is an absolute blast (with the exception of trying to register the thing. They asked for so much paperwork, I though we were going to need our third grade report cards!) But seriously, we have the best time and gosh darn if southerners aren’t prime partying partners. We go out for a ride then beach the boat in this cove with about 30 other boats. From there, we just drink and swim. Soooo fun. And!!! we can swim well into October. Right now, the water temps are still in the 80's.

I tried really hard when I moved here to go forth and make friends. It’s much harder than you think when live in the Bible Belt and you don’t have any kids, have no family or friends here and you’re from the north. *sigh* I thought using the dogs to meet people would work out but alas, everyone I met at the dog park or from the Labrador message board I belong to had to be axed. One lady, that was really nice, had a dog that wasn’t. First play date, he pinned Thea by her neck. Next play date, he bit Bear in the chest. Um, no more playdates. Then there were the C-word twins. I’m not wasting one more word on the absolute waste of human skin that is named Meg EXCEPT to say “Go fuck yourself, you stupid, obnoxious, jealous little bitch.” Ah, much better.


Let’s see. What else. Little bro just graduated from Top Gun. Woot! Other little bro, not doing so hot.

We went to NY for two weeks in June. First week was spent in the gloriousness that is my parent’s place on Lake Ontario. OMG, it was wonderful. Second week was spent in hell, a/k/a Buffalo. Got into a HUGE screaming match with my Step-Mother In Law. She was being passive-aggressive with me because I didn’t want to go shopping at the mall with her. ( I LOATHE the mall.) She thinks that if you stay in her house, she owns you. You will sit in the same room with her at all times, you will not leave the house unless she ‘allows’ you to leave. If you must leave, you have to go where she wants you to. DH and I took the dogs for a walk one morning and she later said “Well, I LET you go for a walk this morning.” Are you kidding lady? You don’t LET me do shit. Grrrrr! Also, for some stupid reason, my FIL thought it would be funny to walk up behind me and slam me over the head with a baking pan. He hit me so hard, I almost burst into tears. What a fucked up thing to do! So later than day, we were out to dinner at the Rod & Gun Club (no shit!) where my in-laws know everyone in the world. Well, some of their friends come over and StepMIL starts introducing us. She then smirks, gestures to me and says “This is my daughter-in-law, Christine.” Now, you all know my fucking name is NOT Christine. Why the name Christine? That’s DH ex whom he had dated for six years. I looked at my DH and said “I’m going to the Ladies Room.” Walked out, went to the parking lot to compose myself and she and DH came out. The gloves came off. It was ugly but there was a lot that needed to be said by me. She actually had the nerve to tell me it was my fault she called me Christine because I had mentioned Christine earlier in the week! Needless to say, I won’t be going anywhere near Buffalo for quite some time. Thank god.

OMG! If you have not seen “Weeds” on Showtime, go rent it. Really. Kevin Nealson is brilliantly funny. Oh and Season 4 Dexter premiere is Sunday. Yay! More killing of peeps who need killing! I also watched the first season of Nurse Jackie. Not sure what to think about that one.

Um, I learned how to make homemade baguette. Have made prolly 20 loaves. Good stuff.

Going to start horseback riding again. Rode once about a year ago and it was too soon. I was scared to death. But I think I’m over it now and going to start semi-private lessons. Very much looking forward to that.

And to end on a good note, we are going to see the Black Crowes in two weeks followed by two consecutive nights of Widespread Panic/Allman Brothers. Can’t wait! Oooh! And we’re planning a trip to Belize for sometime in May! I'll be damned if I am going to spend one more vacation sitting in my in-laws house doing nothing.

So, that’s all I got.

Hola!

I saw Boo’s blog entry and figured it was a good time to update.

1. My marriage has survived the move in tact. We are happy and back to normal. There are still a few small wounds but we’ll survive.

2. I am working for the same peeps that I worked for in NY. Can you believe that? I never thought I would end up in another of these places but here I am. I started in April (3 weeks ahead of schedule) doing what I did back up north, sans the supervisory duties. I am just going to leave is as “it wasn’t a good fit.” You can’t take someone with 12 years of experience and have them supervised by someone with virtually none. Another position opened up, more money, WAY more opportunity and REALLY exciting!!! I was approached privately and was asked to apply for it. I did and I got the job. It is a much more independent position which I love. I am one of those -just leave me alone and let me do my work- kind of people. There are a lot of pluses to this new position; skills I can take with me, especially being in the second largest financial hub in the US (the position has to do with finance). Plus, if they are willing to teach me a whole new field while paying me, who am I to turn them down?? Knowledge is money in the bank. I don’t want to say here what the position is so, if you want to know, email or pm me.

3. I can’t even believe it but the other TEE? (there were two if you guys recall, the Big TEE and her toadie), wants to come to the Charlotte office and actually had the nerve to email me asking me about the office. I didn’t answer.

4. I still feel I need to clear up my views re: the stay at home v. working thing. I think I was a little too harsh in Boo’s blog but I think I was also not as clear as I could have been. For me personally, it was awful because it wasn’t a choice. I wasn’t a stay at home wife. I was UNEMPLOYED. I think there is a MONUMENTAL difference between two spouses deciding together that one is going to stay home and the flipside of one spouse working (expecting the other to get a job immediately) while said other frantically searches for a job and comes up empty handed time and time again. It was humiliating and wreaked havoc on my self-confidence. I used very little time to enjoy myself and spent most of my 9 months off looking for a job or moping/crying about not having a job. Now I have Friday off while I switch between the two positions and technically for the day, I’ll be unemployed but you bet your butt I’ll be at the pool enjoying a sunny day with 90 degrees temps.

5. DH is doing really well in his position. He made 6 figures for the first time. He’s pretty excited about that and he’s being considered for a VP slot. We work WAY more hours down here than we did in NY but I think the experience is invaluable.

6. Strangely enough, we have a much more active social life here that we did in NY. I made a point to actively try and make friends, something I really didn’t do when I moved to Albany. I have met some great folks that we go out to dinner with, play dates with the dogs, picnics, dinner parties, etc.

7. Our neighbors on one side are great. (Well, if I am going to be honest, they are great on all sides compared to the hell that we lived next to in Albany) However, since two of the sides have kids and we don’t, they kind of shun us. The woman directly across the street is my age and has never, not once, said hello to me and it seems as though she goes out of her way to look away if I am outside. I spoken to her husband a billion times (he kept bringing me stray dogs he’s found) but nothing from her. Not a huge deal but it does bother me a little.

8. OMG. I love having a neighborhood pool! *waves to Boo*

9. We’re going back up north at the end of August. I am so homesick for Lake Ontario it makes me physically ill at times. That’s really the only thing that I struggle with these days is the home sickness. When I was in NYC I could just drive home on the weekends and now it involves vacation time, plane flights and dog sitters, etc. *sigh*

10. I have gained weight from quitting smoking, my injury and being severely depressed this winter and this really bothers me. I am just too freakin’ tired when I get home from work to work out. Once it cools down, I am going to start walking at lunch as I did in NY.

11. There’s a little neighborhood theater in the NoDa district and so far we’ve seen .moe and Dickey Betts play there. There’s only about 700 seats so it’s like partying with the band. So fun! AND? We’re going to see the Black Crowes two nights in November!!! WOOT!

12. I have a bunch of pics of the view from my office and Speed Street that I need to resize and post. I’ll do that tonight when I get home from work.

How’s that for an update? And btw, I read the blogs almost every day, I just don’t have anything of value to add, with the exception of thinking that Mark is one of the best and most thoughtful fathers a girl could ask for. :)

A proper update.

ETA: Sharnina tagged me and I never get tagged! Thank you! For today, I promise not to key any cars in 'special' parking spaces. KIDDING!

That, and marrying a man old enough to be your father, a man whom you hardly know.

This was taken from The Boleyn Inheritance, by Philippa Gregory. Anne of Cleves had just been crowed Queen. I just finished The Other Boleyn Girl. For some weird reason, I have taken a strange interest in the history of King Henry VIII and his many wives. It was even stranger to see them discussing Henry VIII, Anne Boleyn and her daughter Queen Elizabeth on OT!!

Things are a billion times better than they were 4-6 months ago. Whew. That SVCKED!! DH and are back to pretty much normal. It was really odd to become completely different people and then react to the negative changes in the other. It was all hugely stressful. It’s back to normal though. We really should have communicated better. That was a mistake that we hopefully will not make again.

I am getting accustomed to the south and can get around Charlotte really well. Definitely a perk of not working. I am developing some loyalty to NC which is good for adjusting. We soooo wanted Davidson to win against Kansas. Bummer. But at least Kansas took the whole thing.

TEE fvcking quit four months after I left. I can't even believe it. Stupid c-word. Oh and I all the work I put into keeping it quiet so that the good employee would get my position over TEE, went completely unappreciated by the good employee. I see in hindsight, the good employee played me. Utterly and completely. Plus she’s acting like the fvcking Queen of England now that she has my job. What the fvck ever. If I can give anyone any advice about the workplace, never under ANY circumstances, completely trust anyone you work with. Never. Ever. EVER.

Kim, Happy Belated Birthday!! (Next year, I think we should all get together and find a bakery near Kim and send her a coconut cake. :) )

The weather is really super nice. I have a great tan and all the windows are open letting in the gorgeous spring air. One thing though. While I am happy it’s spring, it’s not the same rush that you get during spring in the north. In the north, winter is so brutal that spring is virtually orgasmic due to the winter pummeling. When you don’t have that brutal winter, spring is kinda like “Oh, that’s nice.” Anyway, I can’t wait for our pool to open!!! Woot!

The job market here has really tanked in all but the financial field. Part of the job market issue here is that the city has grown so fast, professions other than finance are strapped with the influx of people who followed their spouses down (or up). To quote BB, with that being said, I? GOT.A.JOB. I’ll let you all know more down the line. My start date should be somewhere in mid May. So now it’s like being on vacation. Before, staying in this house all day, was like a prison sentence. As I have said before, I am just not cut out for staying at home. I imagine if staying at home was a choice, rather than a forced existence, it would have been MUCH more enjoyable. I probably would have had a blast if I had been around family and friends but being alone, at home all day, in a new city where you know no one, you don’t have any money of your own, not so much. The money thing was a real problem. I’ve always made my own money and having to ask DH for cash, especially when we were fighting so badly, was really hard. (I have a large IRA but really didn’t want to dip into that.) It will be thrilling to get a paycheck again. It’s so funny. I missed working so tremendously, that I started to covet office supplies! Ha! I would go to Staples, just walk around and drool.

I haven’t been horseback riding. I only went once after the accident and was perfectly terrified. That accident has really screwed me up in the head. We’ve been mountain biking and I am so afraid of riding into a tree and hurting myself, that I can barely ride for shit. I used to be really good and if for whatever reason, I crashed and was slightly injured, it was badge of honor. Now, I am just scared to death. So Monday my friend Sue and I are going for a private horseback lesson to get me back on track and boost my confidence. I need to be the only one in the ring so I’m not worried about what someone else’s horse is doing as that's what caused the last accident.

I think that’s about it. Thanks for all the support, I really appreciate it. Here's a pic of the pups on Easter. It was a nightmare getting them to sit still. In fact, here's the link to video prior to the picture. The 'boing' at the end is Thea hitting the door stop which sent me into an absolute fit of giggles. (I can't figure out how to post the link properly so cutting and pasting the link below will work.)



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